if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
