just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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