I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
