Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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