too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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