so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
