but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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