i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize
