A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
