hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Randomize
