Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
