I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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