The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
So drunk its hurt
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Randomize
