There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
