he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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