My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
