I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I just gargled with NyQuil
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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