So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
