I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Betty ford says i'm here all night
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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