i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
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We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
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My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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