Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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