so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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