THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
