She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
