Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
