In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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