I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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