If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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