Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
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