I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
