I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Randomize
