my room smells like sperm. sweet.
zippers are such a cool invention
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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