Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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