Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
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He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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