At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
