There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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