just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Randomize
