It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
