I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Randomize
