My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
