i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
