I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Randomize
