we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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