You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Randomize
