I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
