On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
