24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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