I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
