She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
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Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
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So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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