Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
