Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
