He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
