Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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