Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
