He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
