i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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