Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
You took a bar mat shot.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
