You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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