I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
