i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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